Hey there party people. Here’s the deal: I have this booby cancer lab job that starts on Monday and in an effort to distract myself from the upcoming horror of spending forty hours a week in a confined space killing mice I’ve spent a great many hours thinking about celebrity deaths. If I’m being honest here I actually was thinking about celebrity deaths long before this job offer. The thoughts have just really ramped up in the last week or so. Here are my predictions in no specific order so that I can be correct no matter what happens because the only guarantee in life is death!
Betty White
Seeing as she is 95 years old this is a pretty obvious pick. Betty, I love you and this is not meant to be a cruel reminder of how close to death you certainly are. The fact that you are practically sleeping with the grim reaper in no way diminishes your beauty, grace, and comedic genius. But seriously, your time is probably very limited and I would appreciate it if you finally responded to my request for a hot dog eating contest.
Drew Carey
People the man got on national television and said that everything he has done in his life has prepared him for the role of a lifetime as the host of The Price Is Right. Can you think of a human being in more denial than Drew fucking Carey right now?!? There is absolutely no way he is not suffering from a fatal brain tumor that is currently cutting off blood supply to whatever part of his brain controls maintaining a semblance of self respect.
David Spade
I bet you forgot he even existed, didn’t you? Which means that he is probably acutely aware of how much people no longer care about him. This is sort of a George Michaels-esque situation. Also who is he pointing at in all of these photos? Probably me for correctly predicting his inevitable departure from this earth.
Angelina Jolie
The woman is gaunt, people. It’s like looking at a pair of lips attached to seven children from various countries.
Regis Philbin
Like Betty White, this may seem like an obvious choice. But anyone who has seen recent footage of Regis would argue that he is in the best shape of his life and not ready to go down without a lengthy and nasaly sounding fight. I’ve seen the man without his shirt on and honestly he looks better than half the guys at my college. But underneath that brawny exterior, Regis has the heart, lungs, and possibly cancerous intestinal tract of the 85 year old dude he is.
Barbra Streisand
Hello Dolly, goodbye Barbra?
Charlie Sheen
Would anyone be surprised about a drug overdose death here? No. But everyone would definitely rally together and then pretend like they loved Charlie Sheen and paint a portrait of him as a gifted but disturbed individual. The line between genius and madman may be very thin, but I don’t think we can say Charlie ever flirted with the genius side of that equation.
One of the members of Aerosmith
From a purely statistical standpoint I think that at least one of them is due for a fatal heart attack.
Chad Michael Murray
It’s been a while since we lost Heath Ledger so I think that makes the probability of another hot, young white dude with a chiseled jawline dying soon higher? Idk. I took a statistics class in college and I started out the semester with a pretty good handle on the fact that there is a 1 in 2 chance of flipping a coin and getting heads but things got complex quick and by the end of the thing I wasn’t even sure how to spell my name correctly. Long story short: you can make numbers say anything you want and right now I want those numbers to say that maybe Chad will meet his end soon.
People who are not on the list of next big celebrity deaths:
Keith Richards
His autobiography is essentially four hundred pages of illicit drug use but this guy is obviously going to live forever. The fact that Keith is still not only conscious and breathing but clearly thriving despite the fact that his face bears a truly uncanny resemblance to the recent winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog 2017 contest is miraculous.
In conclusion, it has been way too long since we had a great celebrity death. A few years in a row we had Steve Irwin and then Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett on the same day and it felt like every other month some star would meet their demise. Lately things have been a bit slow. Sure, Prince bit it last year but I’m not old enough to have any sort of appreciation for him other than the fact that I still begin giggling uncontrollably when I remember he once tried to change his name to a symbol and then everyone just started calling him “The artist formerly known as Prince.” Although I guess Robin Williams’ departure was a big deal. Maybe I’m just desperate here. Also I think Elvis is still alive. The big takeaway is that I’m eventually going to be able to say “I told you so!” about everyone on this list–including Keith Richards’ immortality–and what’s really important in this lifetime is not the love you have for your friends and family, or the immense gratitude you feel for each day you wake up, or finding your true purpose and helping others along the journey. The most important thing is to always be right.
So remember we’re all going to die (except Keith) and have a great rest of your day!
-Julia
Going Nowhere Fast 